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Rock Band II (Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii)

With Rock Band’s release in November of 2007, the world was exposed to a new kind of music game. Not only was it FUCKING AMAZING; it caused a heard of lazy gamers to get up off their asses and "work" at playing in a plastic band. Now Rock Band 2 has followed its predecessor’s lead and pushed the limit of BALLS OUT AWESOMENESS.

Rock Band 2 is two times everything! No longer must we wait for band mates to get their ass to your house. Now we can hook up via Xbox Live or PSN and Rock out with our cocks out.

The larger than life collection of Music that will no doubt satisfy...however if the 84 songs that ship on on the disc aren't enough you can also add the 56 from Rock Band 1! On top of that, there are more than 500 to download through the XBL and PSN!

Additionally the Rock Band series will be forever remembered due to the fact that it has brought one of the most legendary achievements ever to grace the PSN or XBL Communities. The "Endless Setlist" requires that you play every song on expert, without stopping! No bathroom breaks! Nothing but you your controller for 7-8 hours!

So, it all comes down to meat...and I'm giving this game a SPICY PEPERAMI! Get your wallet out because its time to Ride the Lightning!!! (or in our case, the BEEF WAVE)
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Army of Two (Xbox360)

Before I review this I’d just like to take the time to say, THIS GAME IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!! So now that that's on the table, we can talk about why this game is godlike.

To start, when I picked this game up I was looking for something that had a well thought out co-op know for those man-on-man moments. Little did I know that Army of Two was just what the doctor had ordered.

This game is literally all about team work! (or in my case...use friend for target dummy) I quickly realized that without a partner to get your back, you're looking at you vs. a shit storm...and the storm is winning.

Everything you do throughout the campaign mode is about team work; whether it's lifting your partner to allow for him to get to a higher location or giving him a deep tissue massage after a long days work, you're very dependent on his skill.

I did however find that playing the game with an AI partner leaves a man yearning for more. Let's just say, the computer is a little bit of a slow poke when that aforementioned shit storm hits.

The game itself has some real high points. My personal favorite is the ability to ultimately customize guns. You can do everything, from adding a shield to making it diamond studded and gold. (The AI guy kept equipping the double sided salami attachment?)

This game is a good time, and you’ll have a good time, and whoever you play with will probably have a good time. All in all, it's a fatty ALL BEEF MORTADELLA!

-Gamer X
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Pure (Xbox 360)

You have probably noticed the wealth of fantastic looking ATV games advertised as of late. They make you start to wonder..."are these games any good?" Well, I can tell you first-hand, most of these games are shit! However, Pure IS FUCKING AWESOME! This game actually lives up to all of the hype it has received.

Being a hand picked reviewer for, I am here to tell you that this game deserves every single five-star, 100%, A+ or salty sausage it receives. Most people wouldn’t expect an extremely sweet game from publisher Disney Interactive, but they would be super wrong. Disney has laid the smack on many of the negative perceptions to prove that if they want to do something great, they’ll do it!

It is also my duty to inform you that THIS GAME IS FUCKING HARD!! Whether it be completing a race or attempting to receive all first place spots...this takes time, focus, and extreme know-how.

The game allows you to build your own dream ATV, jack the engine more so than ever possible and do some sweet shit while 100+ feet in the air. Hell you can even make a luxury ATV with some sick ass seat patterns!

I highly recommend the purchase of this game. I'm giving it a 17 INCH KOSHER BRATWURST! However, be warned; even though the game is rated “E” for everyone, in order to achieve success you'll have to posses more than a 3rd grade education.

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Ninja Gaiden II (Xbox 360)

First and foremost I’d like to say, THIS GAME IS FUCKING AWESOME! Secondly, I'll take this opportunity to thank Ninja F for giving me the most stress/anger I have ever taken away from a video game. This game is literally fucking ridiculous. To date I have yet to beat this game, mainly due to the big-ass fucking "archfiend" you meet at the end of the story.

For those of you who are not aware, beating this game is pretty much like a big fucking deal. This game is difficult 15 seconds in, then not only doesn’t let off, but gets increasingly difficult the closer you get to the end.

I’d also like to take this chance to thank Team Ninja (Publishers of Ninja Gaiden series) for introducing Ryu Hayabusa, by far the most raw bad-assed mother fucker to ever be unleashed in the gaming world. I mean seriously guys, this is without a doubt the best character to ever play. He has everything main character should have. Sweet weapons, projectiles, unbelievable agility, spandex and a huge cock-shaped bulge. Marry that with intense gore, violence and bouncy tits...I'd say this game is a good competitor for game of the year. I mean, for whatever year it was produced.

So I'm giving this game the TRIPLE THICK HARD SALAMARONI. I recommend you go buy this game now. However, I must warn you this game is ridiculously hard and only 1 out of 10 people beat it..3 of the 10 die trying to mimic Ryu in real life and the remainder find themselves in the fetal position.

Anyway it turns out you’ll be alright! Best of Luck!

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Gears of War 2 (Xbox 360)

Dear god… where do I start?

We had hoped the Lightmass bombing at Timgad would
decimate the Locust Horde, but they survived, and
returned stronger than ever. They’ve brought with
them a force that can sink entire cities.

Even Jacinto, our last beacon of hope through all
these dark days, is now at risk. Soon we’ll have
nothing left to defend and that means we have only
one option: attack.

Gears, what I ask of you is not an easy thing,
but it is necessary. If we are to survive, if we are
to live long enough to see the seasons pass, our
children grow, and experience a time of peace that
we have never known, we must now take the fight to
the Locust.

We will go to where they live and where they breed
And we will destroy them.

This is the day we take the battle to the heart of
the enemy. This is the day we correct the course of
human history. This is the day we ensure our survival
as a species!

Soldiers of the COG, my fellow Gears, go forth and
Bring back the hope of humanity!

-Chairman Prescott
(Written By Epic Games)

This game is FUCKING awesome! I for one rarely get goose bumps from video games however what Gears 2 has done is almost unheard of. I played that game and felt that I was almost under the same circumstances as those of the soldiers of the COG. In this second Installment to the Gears of Wars series no expense was wasted creating the greatest game that I have ever played.

To spoil all the features of this game would be wrong. It is something that a person needs to discover on their own. I can tell you that your arsenal has increased dramatically, and that the online component has made it one of the biggest hits to ever meet XBL.

Gears 2 requires no knowledge of the previous installment, although you should know Gears 1 WAS FUCKING AWESOME! The simple fact that it bears the name Gears of War and is made by Epic Games should be enough for you to dish out the cash and help save humanity from the Locust Horde.


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Guitar Hero: Metallica (Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii)

It’s very rare that a video game can bring its users to tears. However this is most certainly not the case with Guitar Hero: Metallica. This game is without a doubt the most badass Music Genre game on the market! Consisting of bands from System of a Down to Slayer and even Thin Lizzy, Guitar Hero: Metallica takes users to a state of mind where the destruction of any property whatsoever is not just acceptable, but encouraged!

The visuals and interfaces of Guitar Hero: Metallica are very similar to that of Guitar Hero: World Tour. You’ll find that the same character creation system returned along with the custom song option for those who get bored of the set list (WILL NOT HAPPEN!!). On the negative, you will see some songs that have already been released to prior music games (Both Guitar Hero and Rock Band). But they are at least some of the better songs; Enter Sandman, Battery, One, etc.

In conclusion Guitar Hero: Metallica is a game for the ages. It pays tribute to one of the world’s most renowned bands (I am completely biased on that statement) and the purchase playing of this game will feel as good as shooting roman candles out your car window. So I strongly recommend you go buy this game NOW!